you need this like a blow to the amniotic sac.

I think I know what it feels like to be an embryo in an angry uterus.  I’m pretty sure I was unwanted at the point of conception… and I know for sure that as a child I was the perpetual incumberance.  And that’s ok.

This blog entry by Shannon Larratt really got me thinking… what IS my earliest memory?  I dunno… I have a sea of pictures in my head but mostly what I feel is, well, feelings.  So I started searching those feelings and interwove those emotions with the pictures in my head & the facts of my past and it all sorta started making sense.  Actually, it started making a LOT of sense.

My parents & I, we’ve never gotten along.  There was always something about me that was flawed… never good enough, never pretty enough, never anything enough, to make them happy to the point of seeing a glimmer of anything but annoyance & disdain in their eyes.  Up until the last 3 or so years that shit ate me up.

There’s a certain clarity one gets when faced with the hard reality of who they are… it happens to all of us at various points in our lives.  And right now, I’m feeling very whole despite the void I carry with me.

The best thing of all?  I don’t want anyone to fill that space.  It’s mine, it’s personal, it’s painful, and it drives me to greater heights.  It also makes me exhaust myself to be wanted.

Life on the double-edge, forever fleeing the curette on the end of the vacuum.

Damn it’s good to be alive.  I mean, because I AM.  There’s no politcal undershit here… if you’re alive then be alive, make it count.

that’s all i’m sayin’.