I wanted a distraction in my last post months ago… and I got one.  The mother of all distractions.

This distraction takes me to strange places, past, present, and future.  At first it was a dive into the long distant past, it became something that forced me to unlearn everything I thought I knew and entertain the possibility that my prior paradigms were based on not only misconceptions, but lies.  Then the present, which continually creeps in on a daily basis despite my best intentions.  There are times when I love the distraction but for the most part, well, it’s become a major distraction.  It continually shatters my foundation and is seemingly incapable of delivering feedback on the process of my internal growth.  That’s rather maddening.  Which leads me to the future – will this distraction become something fleeting in my memory any time soon?  Do I want it to be?

What the hell do I really want, anyway?  Sometimes I know and knowing what I want kind of scares the shit out of me.  Glamour, riches, fame… those are things for other people who can handle the limelight and haha that is SO not me.  Peace, love, passion for life… those are things I can get behind.

Anyway, the job is still going strong.  Challenging, a pain in the ass at times, but my hours and coworkers make it worth the angst, hah.  I still have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.  It’s both made my life miserable and fulfilling at once, how can one stupid social networking site work so much fucking mojo hahah.

I think that’s it for now.  I really should write here more often.

All the tragedy in the world & my girls are giving me grief because we’re not going to see the first midnight showing of Harry Potter 6 like we did with HP 5.  It wasn’t supposed to be a tradition, it was just a special thing – but you know how kids are… if it rocked the first time then it bears repeating until they get sick of it, hah.

I have GOT to come up with a better solution for getting my boss to inform me more than just 3 days before a massive important grant deadline.  We’re up for federal funds & the amount of paperwork & financial details/analysis required is so over-the-top it rivals United Way.  And that’s saying something.  Do I still love my job?  You know it.  What do I hate?  Excel 2007.

Facebook is making me live so much in the past I wanna shoot it & burn it up & dance in its ashes.  I mean, it’s cool that I’m still loved after all these years (hahah) but, oh, I dunno… oh yes I do, it’s the despair that’s bringing me down.  Honestly.  I’ve heard so many sad tales of heartbreak & death & misfortune I’m starting to feel BLESSED & man, that’s sorta creepy.  For real, I’m supposed to covet other people’s lives, not the other way around.

More than anything, I’m paralyzed by the inability to actively help.  It’s a well-known consensus among people who know me, I’m a helper.  I will crush pains that fall on my friends’ paths if its within my power… & it makes me feel terribly useless when a friend tells me a horrific tale about his wife’s stillborn baby and all I can do is send silver tendrils of empathy his way.  It’s enormously frustrating for this hugger-chick.

I do have old friends that I miss, though (no, Sean isn’t one of them).  Interestingly enough, I don’t Facebook with them… we just email each other like, oh, 5 or so times a year.  Interesting how relationship intensities can be illustrated along a continuum of hope & despair.

This is one long motherfucking summer.

I need a bigger, consuming distraction.