you need this like a blow to the amniotic sac.

I think I know what it feels like to be an embryo in an angry uterus.  I’m pretty sure I was unwanted at the point of conception… and I know for sure that as a child I was the perpetual incumberance.  And that’s ok.

This blog entry by Shannon Larratt really got me thinking… what IS my earliest memory?  I dunno… I have a sea of pictures in my head but mostly what I feel is, well, feelings.  So I started searching those feelings and interwove those emotions with the pictures in my head & the facts of my past and it all sorta started making sense.  Actually, it started making a LOT of sense.

My parents & I, we’ve never gotten along.  There was always something about me that was flawed… never good enough, never pretty enough, never anything enough, to make them happy to the point of seeing a glimmer of anything but annoyance & disdain in their eyes.  Up until the last 3 or so years that shit ate me up.

There’s a certain clarity one gets when faced with the hard reality of who they are… it happens to all of us at various points in our lives.  And right now, I’m feeling very whole despite the void I carry with me.

The best thing of all?  I don’t want anyone to fill that space.  It’s mine, it’s personal, it’s painful, and it drives me to greater heights.  It also makes me exhaust myself to be wanted.

Life on the double-edge, forever fleeing the curette on the end of the vacuum.

Damn it’s good to be alive.  I mean, because I AM.  There’s no politcal undershit here… if you’re alive then be alive, make it count.

that’s all i’m sayin’.

send in the clowns. then let me shoot them.

WordPress ate my Categories. I don’t think I really need them anyway, besides, it’s one of those small things I don’t particularly want to sweat right now.

I have been in one moody state lately. When I’m not totally focused on project du jour I get kind of… lost. Sort of. More like I find myself exploring my murky depths. I took that picture imagining all those clown faces exploding after stuffing their obscenely happy faces with roman candles. It didn’t help that I’d just listened to half an hour of hardcore metal, but still… even without that… those faces kinda pissed me off.

Recently I’ve been trying to work through and deal with a lot of anger and resentment in my life. And although I’ve managed to somehow, someway, find peace in times that would have previously turned me into a frenzied whirlwind of unbridled emotion… the pressure build-up sometimes turns me into a foulish beast.

I know we’re all like this sometimes but really… it’s very pronounced in me. :D

People are so fucking frustrating, hah.

It’s been so delightfully cool outside lately. I just KNOW this is going to end in some kind of blistering heatwave that is “uncharacteristic” (like every heatwave in the Pacific NW used to be) yet never fails to rear its ugly head every summer. Global warming, man. It’s the real thing.

ps – just found my categories again. what the fuck, might as well use ’em.