you need this like a blow to the amniotic sac.

I think I know what it feels like to be an embryo in an angry uterus.  I’m pretty sure I was unwanted at the point of conception… and I know for sure that as a child I was the perpetual incumberance.  And that’s ok.

This blog entry by Shannon Larratt really got me thinking… what IS my earliest memory?  I dunno… I have a sea of pictures in my head but mostly what I feel is, well, feelings.  So I started searching those feelings and interwove those emotions with the pictures in my head & the facts of my past and it all sorta started making sense.  Actually, it started making a LOT of sense.

My parents & I, we’ve never gotten along.  There was always something about me that was flawed… never good enough, never pretty enough, never anything enough, to make them happy to the point of seeing a glimmer of anything but annoyance & disdain in their eyes.  Up until the last 3 or so years that shit ate me up.

There’s a certain clarity one gets when faced with the hard reality of who they are… it happens to all of us at various points in our lives.  And right now, I’m feeling very whole despite the void I carry with me.

The best thing of all?  I don’t want anyone to fill that space.  It’s mine, it’s personal, it’s painful, and it drives me to greater heights.  It also makes me exhaust myself to be wanted.

Life on the double-edge, forever fleeing the curette on the end of the vacuum.

Damn it’s good to be alive.  I mean, because I AM.  There’s no politcal undershit here… if you’re alive then be alive, make it count.

that’s all i’m sayin’.

do the tarot shuffle!

Oh bless GOB, he created a most awesome music meme!  As students of the Tarot & astrology (he’s more Tarot, I’m more astrology) we get “out there”… like this is news, hah… & so it seemed perfectly natural when H created this while in the process of updating his .mp3 player.  The questions are based on the Celtic Cross spread, your basic Tarot spread that you’d pay lotsa cash for from someone who probably shouldn’t be doing spreads if they’re charging for them if you know what I’m saying.  Now, courtesy of GOB, you have your own fortune teller!  Charge up that .mp3 player, pop on your headphones, & find what the future holds for you!

Tag to anyone who wants to partake.  Now, for all the world to see, behold my “cards”…

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Basis of the matter, or that which brought you to now:

Our Ride to the Rectory – Team Sleep

(um, ok, not quite sure about that, Chino must know something I don’t)

Where you are now:

High and Dry – Radiohead

(ooh, that’s a little personal)

Hopes and fears:

Everybody Here Wants You – Jeff Buckley

(And I thought the LAST one was personal)

Present and passing:

Passive – A Perfect Circle

(Hopefully passing fast!)

Forces for or against you:

3 Libras – A Perfect Circle

(Funny, I happen to know 3 Libras & 2 of them read this motley space.  But are they for or against me, hmm… hah)

The near future:

This is Your Life – The Dust Brothers

(how fucking apropos)

How the near future will evolve:

In This Twilight – Nine Inch Nails

(Well, at least it’s a hopeful song)

New turn of events and/or the effects of others on you:

All Apologies – Nirvana

(What else can I say?)

You in the environment of the future:

Weird Fishes/Arpeggi – Radiohead

(Hopefully this is only, like, a one day forecast or something)

Outcome or summation:

Free – George Michael

(Hopefully this one is long-term)

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He also did another music meme but I’ll save that one for some other 3 day weekend.  Enjoy, dudes!